♥~An Odyssey On A Virtual Diary~♥

holy crap!!! with everything that just happened between my mom and i, i think i feel like breaking out.. good thing, i had these people close to my heart who gave me the reasons why i should live and go on with my life..

our feud is getting really worst to the point that we are hurting each other not only emotionally but also physically. am i hurt? - yah, a little. but now i’m really used to it. i become so numb. i could even remember her saying "sana namatay ka na lang". that hurts.. it really made a deep cut in my heart, but now if that thought comes across my mind i’m no longer affected, as what i have said, i am numb. my gramma(my dad’s mom) would always tell me that i should be thankful that she gave me my life - this life?! what the f*ck?! sometimes i wish i was never been born at all. yah i know she’s still my mom biologically, and financially (yan lang naman ang lagi at kaya nyang isumbat sa akin - how big she has spent money on me). but i haven’t felt having my mom as a friend, a supporter, a sympathizer, an adviser, a companion, a comforter, the list goes on… and when things get bleak, where do i turn to? it should be at home, right? but i’ve never been to a home. (i’m so thankful that i have these people close to my heart who still keeps me standing strong or i could have given up)

yes, i am stubborn, rebellious, and ungrateful.. you ask me why? simple, it’s all because of her. i was raised with heavy hands, spanks and belt buckles - i get them when i commit mistakes or when i could not reach her expectations. i grew up insecure and never appreciated from the smallest to the biggest things that i made and achieved - what she can see in me are my flaws, weaknesses, and failures. i grew up alone, with no one to turn to when i am down, no one to share my problems with, no one to listen to my crazy, funny, or sad stories - she never listened, not even once (it’s only my dad who did, and now he’s not with us right now T_T). now, what do you think would i be after all these that i’ve been through?

i know i am wrong. we are both wrong. but the hardest part is that she loves to think she’s never wrong. she’s always right, what she says and does is always right. yeah yeah whatever

i heard it loud and clear from her mouth, i am dead.. and so is she to me. (although not physically dead.. but in my heart, i no longer have a mom)

yeah i just had the very first tragedy in my life..  so long mama..

sad isn’t it? i have my nanay-nanayan anyway - my "mom" who was there for me, emotionally, academically, physically, and spiritually.. nah crush out the last word cause i’m beginning to question the existence of God.

hahay all done, a bit relieved and relaxed.. punta muna ako sa paseo..

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 20th, 2006 at 10:54 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.